Rules for Time Travel

1. Players choose a token and place it on the board.  All players start in the present.  Tokens to choose from include a Delorian, a phone booth, a police box, a hot tub and the Starship Enterprise.

2. Players start the game with two Event cards.  If you have less than two Event cards at the start of your turn, draw up to two.  Event cards can be played at any time, as long as they are appropriate to the time period.  For example, if you are 26 years in the future, you could play 'Learn the Outcomes of Sporting Events' card.  You could not, however kill your own grandfather, because he died three years before you were born.

3. Players take turns rolling dice and travelling through time.  To do this, the player rolls two dice.  They may then move up to the number shown, in years, into the past or the future.  Note that wormholes are free and do not use up any of of your time travel allotment.

4. Players may forego their roll and choose instead to explore the time period they are in.  Some types of exploration are Meeting Famous Historical Characters, Going Native, or Changing the Timeline.  If your time machine is broken, then your only option will be to explore the time period until you have repaired your time machine.  This can be done by 'borrowing' a locomotive, obtaining plutonium or getting advice from a 70's sitcom character actor.

5. At the end of each player's turn, they should draw a card from the Temporal Anomaly deck.  These are special events, both good and bad, that affect all players.  Simply read the instructions aloud for all to hear.  You may find yourself falling in love with someone from another era or playing the game over and over for all eternity.

6. Alternate Timelines.  If you change an event in the past, players in the present or future may be affected.  If so, they must place their tokens on their sides until the timeline is repaired.  The players themselves may find their bodies becoming insubstantial.  If a player is unable to roll the dice or move their token, they are eliminated from the game.

7. Fixing the Timeline.  To fix something that has gone wrong, check the Event card in question.  It will indicate what needs to be done and the level of difficulty, 1-12.  For example, if you've killed your father and are in danger of ceasing to exist, you can attempt to sleep with your mother, which has a difficulty rating of 8.  Roll two dice and get a score of 8 or better to succeed.

8. Paradoxes.  In the event of a Paradox, the universe collapses in on itself.  Everyone loses.

9. To win the game, a player will need to successfully insert themselves into past events in such a way that all players remember it having happened already and don't understand why the game even needs to be played.

A Lie I Tell Myself No More

Something I've struggled with all my life is the issue of abandonment.  And there is a recurring scenario wherein people leave me.

It started with being given up for adoption.  First my birth-mother gave me away, then I was removed from my foster family after two months.  On a conscious level, I believe bio-mom made a reasonable decision.  And I was taken from the foster family to go to my permanent family.  But experts believe that babies internalize these events, and the evidence is the quiet baby.  I'm told that everyone would comment on what a quiet baby I was.  But they think babies in this scenario are quiet because they don't want to make waves.  On some level, they're thinking that if they just stay quiet, maybe they won't be sent away again.

Next there was my best friend in Junior High.  He dumped me.  We were the best of friends, always doing stuff together.  But one day, after hanging at his house just the day before, he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore.  No explanation.

This sent me reeling into depression.  And it wouldn't be the last time.  Some are more explicable than others. I had a close friend in high school who just stopped hanging out, but I know it was more about her issues.  But still, it contributed to the repeating pattern.

More recently, just in the past few years, I've had several very close friends just stop returning my calls.  They just phased me out of their lives.  Not mere acquaintances - people I'd had deep conversations with and laughed with and cried with - people I was confident that I would be friends with for the rest of my life.

So it's understandable if in my darkest moments, it seems like everyone abandons me.  That's the lie that I start to believe.  But you know what?  It's not true.  OK, yes, there is a sizable history there.  But it's not everyone.  I have a family that loves me.  We're not always that close, but we make it work.  I have a couple of friends, the best of friends, that I've had in my life for over 20 years.  And when I have a birthday or a game night, lots of people show up.

So that's a lie that I'm not going to buy into anymore.

The Desire To Shame

I was at Office Depot today.  While in line, the woman in front of me took a corkboard bulletin board out of her cart and set it on the ground a few feet away.  Apparently she didn't want it.  Thirty seconds later, a guy walking into the line tripped over it.  What I wanted to do was pick up the item and carry it to the counter and say to the clerk (in earshot of the woman), "Hi!  I'm not buying this.  This lady here left it on the floor over there, instead of putting back or just giving it to one of you.  Then that gentleman tripped over it.  I'm pointing this out in the hope that in the future she'll display the tiniest amount of consideration for others."

I didn't say that.  After I left the store, I wrestled with whether it would have been worth it or not.  The thing is, we're not an honor/shame based society.  Most likely she would feel no shame.  To her, I'd just be the jerk who made her feel bad.

In general, it seems counter-productive to shame people.  I think people choose to change themselves (if at all) when they are in a place of security, not when they're feeling bad about themselves.  But surely some sense of shame or the desire to avoid feeling shame is healthy?

In reading about Confucius, it sounds like the society he was trying to change was a lot like ours.  A sense of individuality had been awakened, and individuals were more and more just doing what they wanted for themselves, instead of favoring the family or community.  In the Bible you read about times when each person does what is right in their own eyes - again sounding like where we're at today.  And not too long ago, you had to be plugged into a community just to get by, and therefore had to go along with the societal norms so as not to be excluded.  But this has been replaced by, 'Don't judge me!'

Shame and honor no longer keep people in check.  Folks decide what is right and wrong for themselves, without considering a higher power.  And people are free to cut themselves off from the community around them.  It's a shame.

Hustle & Bustle

With all of the holiday hustle and bustle, it's easy to forget what Christmas is about.  Yes, Jesus - but what does that mean in practical terms?

Having trouble thinking of good presents?  Maybe think through what that person's love language is.  If it's words of affirmation, a well-thought-out note that they can treasure may be perfect.  If it's quality time, make a plan to spend time with just them.

Take a minute to think through the people you know.  Do they all have somewhere to be on Christmas morning?  Are they able to get presents for their kids?  Can they afford to see Star Wars in 3D?  Just take a minute and really see the people in your life and think about what you can do for them.  And if you're one of those left-out people - reach out.  Ask someone if you can come along and be a part.  Remember that most people get wrapped up in their own stuff, but but when you ask to be included, they realize they want to include you.

Make cookies and give them away.  It's good for the soul.

That person that annoys you?  Talk to them anyway.  They need someone to talk to.  And does it really cost you that much?

And let's take the time to look each other in the eye and really see each other.  Hug warmly and hold on just a second longer than you planned to.

Merry Christmas

The Eyes Have It

This is a follow-up to my last post.  I'd realized that with many people, I had developed the habit of not looking them in the eyes.  Since then, I've been reminding myself to do just that.  The results have been quite affirming.

It's been great to look service people in the eyes.  Like waitresses or bank tellers.  It may sound silly, but I feel a bit more connected to the world.  I think that, especially with women, there's been a self-esteem issue where I wouldn't want them to think I was being forward or thought they were attractive.  But so what if they do?  I'm not being pervy or accosting them!  I'm just looking them in the eyes.  And you know what I've found?  They look back.  And it's nice.  And they seem a little more human.  You can't do it with everyone.  And it's not like each one is going to be my new best friend.  But when they look up and say, 'Thanks for coming' and I look them in the eyes and respond with, 'Have a nice day', for that half-second we are part of a community.  And those moments accumulate and add up to something.

With acquaintances or friends that I'm not as close to, it's also been good.  The thing is, when we avert our eyes, we may be thinking about our own self-worth, but it sends a message to the other person that they're not worth your time.  There's a woman I run into from time to time who is much worse than me.  Her eyes are almost always on the floor and when I say hello she rarely even responds.  She talks to some people, but she usually doesn't even acknowledge that I'm in the room.  I've wondered why this woman has so much contempt for me that she practically deletes me from existence.  But at Thankgiving, after I spent a reasonable amount of time looking in the direction of her eyes when she was talking, twice she looked up and spoke directly to me.  Wow!  So nice to be acknowledged.  I mean, I know her habits likely spring from her own introversion and have nothing to do with me.  But it just feels good to have someone look at you and see you.

There are a couple of women at church that I've made more of an effort to look in the eyes.  And it's nothing romantic, but looking a beautiful woman in the eyes - damn!  Give me a minute of that each day and I think I could fly!

Even with closer friends, I'm making more of an effort to look not at their cheeks or forehead or somewhere in the vicinity of their head, but at their eyes.  My eyes to their eyes, connecting, feeling a little more intimate.

The past several years I've struggled with depression more during the holidays.  But I'm not depressed so far.  And I think it's because I'm connecting to people by looking  them in the eyes.  And the more I do it, the more my confidence is growing.  Plus I have the distinct impression that by doing this little thing, I'm spreading connection and warmth everywhere I go.

Looking People In the Eyes

Once in a while I'll notice something strange in my behavior that I know I need to fix immediately.  Today I noticed that I'd stopped looking people in the eyes.

It seems like such a simple thing.  But I think between getting to know a lot of new people in the past year (being an introvert, that can be overwhelming), and just a low-level depression (feeling less than other people), I'd stopped.  I'm not sure where I was looking ... maybe just past them.  Or I'd glance at their eyes and then look down, in a thoughtful pose.

The problem with this is that it sends a message.  On my end, I'm feeling like I'm not worthwhile, so I avert my eyes.  But people on the other side of that can misinterpret that and feel like I don't think they're worth my time.

And it really is nice looking into people's eyes.  They're so expressive.  And there's a much greater sense of actually connecting with the other person.

Random Thoughts

Some thoughts ... I don't know that I want to write a whole blog about any one of them, but here they are, in no particular order, just to get them out of my system:

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I sometimes make decisions that may appear strange to others based on my own sense of self-preservation.  For example, I know that 10 minutes in the service at my old church by myself will send me into a depressive spiral, where I'll be crying for hours.  This may seem extreme to others, but some situations, like that one, have the effect of magnifying my feelings of loneliness to the point that I can't keep it in check any more.  So unless I can guarantee that I won't be alone there, I won't go.

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There is something about a singer belting out a song in a true and emotional way that can make me both laugh and cry at the same time.

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Nothing makes me angrier than another driver behaving inappropriately.  This morning, I stopped before an intersection because I could see that the traffic was backed up on the other side.  The lane to my right was a turn-only lane.  But while I was waiting, a car tried to slip in front of me from that lane.  Here I was, doing the right thing - the legally correct thing - by not blocking the intersection, and this asshole decides to take advantage of it.  I was so angry that I laid on my horn and raced forward to block him, then yelled, 'NO!' at him (once he could see me) though my window.

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Thanksgiving is a problem.  I've got nowhere to go.  I don't want to go to someone else's Thanksgiving, because I don't want to feel like a charity case (they might not feel that way, but I would).  The folks I've done Thanksgiving with in the past have gotten married or moved away and they're just not available this year.  I could go serve somewhere, but I think that in a group of strangers my loneliness spiral (see above) would kick in.  I'm considering cobbling together other 'orphans'.  But Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two times of the year when when you want to feel like you're with 'family',..  So, I don't know.  I may just sit it out ... cry a little ... move on as best as I can.

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A few days ago, one of my Uber passengers asked for my information.  I thought she might be interested in checking out my church.  So it threw me when she called me and invited me to some financial seminar thing.  I politely declined.  I'm not sure what to think.  Was she asking me out?  She was cute, but it seems unlikely.  While we did have a short conversation in the car, it didn't seem like there was any particular connection.  Plus she's in her 20's - why would she be interested in an old, fat guy like me?.  But then what the hell was that?

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I have an eating problem.  I didn't used to.  Which is to say that while I've never had particularly good eating habits, I didn't used to have compulsions associated with it.  I find now that I do.  It seems to be threefold.  First, I like to eat until I feel full, sometimes a little over-full.  There is probably some psychological issue there.  But it's not like I eat more than I used to - it's just that my metabolism is slowing down so it takes more of a toll.  Second, I snack a lot.  I don't so much care if it's healthy or not - I'm perfectly happy picking away at a pomegranate - but carrots get old real fast.  Again, I know there's some psychological issue that's feeding my oral fixation.  The third one is the ugliest.  When I diet, sometimes it's for a few months, sometimes it's for a day.  But there comes a point when I want to sabotage it.  I don't just go back to my old eating habits - it's like something in me wants to more than make up for lost time by eating as much unhealthy stuff as possible.  Anyway, I've just started figuring this stuff out in the past year or so and it's frustrating to see that I've developed these unhealthy habits/issues.

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I now know why I don't like alcohol.  I'm a supertaster, which means I can taste the bitterness in some foods that others can not.  And all alcoholic drinks have elements in them (I forget what they're called) that are both bitter and sweet.  But I don't taste the sweet - only the bitter - actually it's kind of a bitter/sour taste.  It's funny - it had never occurred to me that other people found alcohol to be sweet.  I just figured they tasted the same thing that I did but somehow liked it.  But if they're tasting sweet, then no wonder everyone loves to drink so much.

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Do you ever wonder if God can hear you if you just pray inside your own head?  Because how can God be in our heads?  Isn't there some point of theology that says that He can't be near sin?  But I have a problem with praying out loud when I'm alone.  It feels even more like I'm just talking to myself.

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This has been Random Thoughts with Matt.