Wednesday, April 9, 2014

My Subjective Evidence for God

I believe in God.  Specifically, the Christian God, Jesus the Son, all that stuff.

I have a lot of doubts about what the church teaches.  Many discussions in my men's group get derailed (in the best possible ways) by discussions on whether the Bible is inerrant or not, whether Jesus was 100% human or 100% deity or somehow both, whether some people go to hell or if God will somehow save absolutely everyone, and many other issues.  But is God real?  Well, yeah.  I simply can not get away from that absolute truth.

There are some ways to logically prove the existence of God.  Not beyond a doubt, not actual proof, but then you can't prove gravity either.  But I have my own logical proofs that make sense to me.  Perhaps I'll blog that another time.  But another way of approaching it is subjective.

I can't help it.  I can't help but believe in God.  For me, it is innate. 

You know, I've spent the last few days depressed and angry.  Understandable, I think.  I'm unemployed, have no romantic prospects, and I spend far too much time alone in my apartment.  So ... depressed and angry.  And looking at way too much porn.  What can I tell you?  I'm here, it's here, I'm bored and depressed - it's a recipe for wanting to escape or to bury the negative feelings.

And then, this evening, sick of the rut I was in, I turned to God, as I always eventually do, and confessed.  Not just the porn, but the lack of faith that leads to the anger.  Because here's my thought process, as I unpacked it with God tonight.  Deep down, no matter how I try to pull away, I still believe that God is in control and that He has me where He wants me to be.  Not the depression or the lack of exercise or the other negative responses I've come up with, but this place in my life.  And, actually, in January and February, I was doing pretty well - I was keeping my thoughts positive and praying that God would work on my faith (never a good idea ...) and help me to just trust in Him.  And tonight I was telling God that I think I've actually done pretty well, faith-wise, in this current season, considering that I pretty much suck at the Christian life to begin with.  We both had a nice chuckle at that point.

And, look: I have a roof over my head and food to eat and good friends and thanks to winning my appeal for unemployment benefits and help from my mother, I've got money to keep going for a while.   I just don't like it.  I know that God has put me here, and I don't like it.  And it's hard to keep my spirits up and my faith constant.

But when I'm angry with God, who do I tell?  God.  When I'm pissed off at God and retreat into myself, who am I hiding from?  God.  To me, God is like the cameras in a reality show - you can try to pretend they're not there, you can tell yourself that your behavior is not affected by them - but reality always breaks back in.

I suspect that some atheists are the same way.  There's a huge wall they've built up in their heads, blocking out God.  And they don't dare look behind that wall for fear that reality will come crashing in. 

And let me be quite clear.  I think most people who know me will agree that I'm a pretty logical guy, and a skeptic.  Yes, I have deep emotions, too.  But I'm more on guard than most against getting carried away by my emotions.  So when I say that I just can't help but believe, I don't think it's emotional.  For many/most Christians it is (and good luck to them - I don't know how they can live like that), but God has wired me differently.  I don't ever really feel that God is speaking to me directly.  I haven't had a 'God experience' that I can point to.  I don't believe I've been slain in the Spirit.  I sometimes sense that maybe God feels a particular way or drops a particular thought into my head to steer me along - but I'm never certain and always allow room for it just being my own brain.  See, with me, I think God has made it clear (through my experiences) that He gave me a solid, logical brain, and that He wants to see (and is excited to see) what I do with it - watching me as I work out my faith with less direct intervention than He gives to others.

And my subjective but logical conclusion is that there is a God.