I've been depressed. And I know why. It's because I don't have more intimate, fulfilling relationships. And why is that? Welllll ... there are a few reasons.
One is that certain relationships have just changed. Some people in my life have gotten married. Or had kids. Some friends just decided to unfriend me. People change, stuff happens.
Another is that I haven't replaced those people. But that's complicated. I mean, I do have some newer friends, but I'm realizing that, more than I used to, I hold people at arm's length. I don't get that close. With some folks it's because I'm perfectly fine with the level we're at. But with others, I think maybe I'm afraid of getting burned.
And there's also my love language, which is such that I feel loved when people take the initiative to spend time with me. So, I generally wait until people call me.
But I was sitting here tonight, after not having gone to a movie night where I could have socialized with some nice people. And I was thinking through things. I'm not happy. Life seems pointless without people to be close to. But I seem to have a lot of it left to live. So, I'm going to have to do something about that. I'm going to have to be better about initiating with people and trying to hang out.
Ugh. That might sound simple to some of you. But for me, it's not. I've let myself devolve and become ingrown and antisocial. And the further down the track you go, the more you just don't feel like making the effort to hike back the other way. Plus, people are stupid. I hate people. They're annoying and difficult and rude and hurtful and don't behave the way you think they ought to behave.
But still. Unhappy. Need people.
And I am, despite what you all think, not perfect. Yet people put up with me. And I know that if I spend more time with people I will re-develop whatever that is that makes it easier to get along and not mind (as much) a lot of the stuff that people do.
Alright. Let me see if I can't make an effort.