Sunday, December 17, 2017

No Best Friend

When I was in my early 20's, I broke up with my serious girlfriend of several years.  And I looked around to discover that I was kind of alone.  I guess I'd done that thing where you spend most of your time with that one person and let other relationships slide.  So there I was, devastated in the aftermath of my breakup, and I didn't have anyone to talk to.  It made it so much worse. 

So I swore that I would work on developing friendships, so that I would never find myself in that place again.  And I did a pretty good job of it.  There were some friendships where we started to drift apart where I said 'Hold on there - let's be more intentional about this.'  And we were.  And it was a good thing.

But these days, I find I'm back in the same ugly place.  I'm depressed and lonely and I really don't feel like I have someone to talk to.  I mean, I have friends - some of them are very good friends that I absolutely can talk to about deep stuff.  But I don't have that one or two people that are my best friends, that I talk to all the time.

So, what happened to the close friends that I had before, that I was intentional about?  Well, some got married and had kids.  Nothing wrong with that, but it sucks up their time and energy.  Some friends have chosen not to be friends anymore without any real explanation, and that hurts more than I can express.  And there are some newer friends on the scene that I connect with but ... it's that thing.  You know?  If we were best friends, that would be great.  But we're not.  They already have their best friends.

Because what I'm missing is a best friend.  Someone who is intentional without really thinking about it.  That person that it's just assumed that if you both have free time, you'll probably hang out together.  That person that makes you their first or second choice for any given holiday.

What I have instead is a lovely assortment of friends, some closer than others, who make time for me now and then.  But I feel like it's just enough to keep me going and not enough to bring me to life.  And when I really need to talk to someone, I run through the list of possibilities and realize there's nobody to call.

I don't know what to do about this.  I mean, I've made new friends - that's not the issue.  It's having a best friend.  There's no waiting list for this - like, if your best friend dies or you have a falling out, then maybe consider me!

The only option I see is finding a girlfriend.  Which I would love to do, anyway.  But I've kinda lost hope in that department.  My suspicion, right or wrong, is that I am simply not appealing to women these days.  And while I do sometimes meet women that I'm attracted to, there is usually some real reason not to ask them out (too young, too crazy, happily married ...).

So that's where I'm at.  And I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  So I'll put it here.