Are You There God? It's Me, Matt.

I’m angry.  At God.  And it’s frustrating, because … well, let me start over.

I don’t have much going on right now.  I’m unemployed.  I don’t have a girlfriend.  I don’t have a close friend to hang out with frequently.  I’ve had any number of creative endeavors that have gone nowhere.  And I’m typing this on a computer that occasionally deletes a whole sentence or two because the key sticks.

Yes, I know: I have a roof over my head and food to eat and family and friends and blah blah blah.  And I don’t have a terminal illness and I haven’t lost my wife or child in a car accident and I don’t live in a country where people are persecuted.  I know.  I am grateful for those things.  Really. 

But, still … this is my life, and things are not going well and I’m angry.  And probably scared, too.  It came to a head earlier today and I let out some steam by screaming out loud a few times.  And then I stewed about it for the rest of the day.  And then I tried talking to God about it.  And boy was that unsatisfying. 

God doesn’t talk to me.  Before you throw out the standard clichés, let me just suggest that you shut up.  I’ve heard them.  ‘You just need to learn how to listen.’  ‘God talks to different people in different ways.’  And the one I tell myself, that God stays silent with me because He wants to see what I’ll do with very little overt guidance – will I be obedient just because I know it’s right and pleasing?

But the way I’m wired is that I need to process things with other people.  It’s why I don’t normally read the Bible on my own.  I’ll read books and blogs that will include scripture, so I’m still getting some Bible.  But mostly I rely on the discussions in my small group, where we pull it apart and examine it and question everything together.

Or when I have an emotional problem.  Most issues I deal with on my own just fine.  But I know that sometimes my brain doesn’t fully process stuff until I discuss it with someone and they reflect it back to me.

This is how I work.  It is the way God made me.  And that’s why it’s especially frustrating to talk to God and get no response.  I talk to God just about every day, if not during the day, then at least as I’m going to bed.  I have little conversations, telling Him about what I’ve been thinking about and asking for His help with different behaviors and musing on some new time travel theory.  (At this point, I will be rewriting the remainder of this because my computer freaked out and closed everything and autosave only saved up to this point and my computer is a piece of shit and now I’m having trouble focusing because I’m angry and it’s not like I can remember everything that I already said.  Fuck!)  And I’ll let my mind wander, to see what might pop in there.  I think my prayer life is the healthiest now that it’s ever been.  But not satisfying.

I want God to show up in some emotionally satisfying way.  I want some kind of response.  I want to not feel like I’m just talking to myself.  And I know, poor me.  But really – I can’t figure out how to deal with this in a healthy way that allows me to understand or accept or get around God’s silence.

And that’s all I’m going to say.  There was more before, but now you don’t get to read it because my computer sucks.