Crosswalk Conundrum

I think I have a pretty strong moral compass.  So much so that other friends will sometimes run issues by me to help figure out what is the correct moral thing to do.  And I'm pretty much a rule-follower.  Now, I'm not completely cut and dried - I don't always strictly follow the rules.  For example, I'll go faster than the speed limit if it's with the flow of traffic, because I believe that's the spirit of the law, and therefore more important.  And I even think there are times when you maybe, kinda should go ahead and break the rules ... for fun.  As long as you don't make a habit of it and you're not affecting anyone else.

Which brings us to today.  At my church, I usually park on the street, across the street from the church and down the street.  To get to the church from there, I have to use two crosswalks.  One crosses the street, and the other crosses a driveway (not sure why that driveway is so special that it gets its own light, but it does).  I have also had occasion to park further up the street, directly across from the church, so that the crosswalks would be out of the way, down at the intersection.

So!  The crosswalk that crosses the street?  I wait for the light.  Seems simple enough so far, right?

The crosswalk that crosses the driveway?  I ignore the light and just cross.  Because I know that the place is closed on Sundays and there is no traffic coming out of there.

Today, my friend Adam (we often carpool) wanted to ignore the light and cross the street.  I did not.  Because even though there was no traffic coming, it's a street and I tend to follow the rules.  But here's the thing - when I parked directly across the street, where there is no crosswalk, I just went ahead and jaywalked, and I was OK with it, because there was no traffic coming, and to use the crosswalk would have been out of the way.

So my moral compass is confusing me.  If I'm OK with crossing the street where there is no crosswalk, as long as there is no traffic, then why do I not want to do that at the crosswalk?  It's not like I mind waiting.  I'm not impatient for the light to change - what's an extra minute?  And I'm not late. 

And it's not that I have respect for the visible signs or authority they represent to the degree that I prefer to follow the rules, because at the driveway I don't care.

I actually laughed out loud at myself for a couple of minutes because of the logical inconsistency.

So what is my moral compass doing?  Why is it OK with breaking the rules in one way but not another?

Queer Eye for the Christian Guy

I've been watching the new Queer Eye series on Netflix.  I never saw the old one, and I didn't think it would be my cup of tea, but I thought I'd watch one just to check it out.

Wow.  It's terrific.  Here are a bunch of guys who go in and shower love on someone.  OK, yes, it's their job, but it's more than that.  They each, in their own constructive way, choose to love on the person.  The hair and makeup guy doesn't just make them look fashionable - he constantly tells them they're beautiful, and means it.  The home makeover guy doesn't just make their place stylish, he gets to know them so that he can make it a reflection of who they are and what they need. 

I cry every episode.  And the more I watch it, the more I think every Christian should watch it, so they can see terrific examples of how to embrace and love the Other.  Some of the best episodes are when they're helping Christians, even though they themselves have been hurt and ostracized by Christians.

I watch this show, and it kinda makes me wonder if God didn't look at the Christians and say, 'Hey, you're not doing your job.  So, I'm gonna raise up these people that you've marginalized and have them do it.'

Look, if you know me, you know I'm not entirely comfortable with gay people, especially the flamboyant ones.  And you don't have to agree with their choices.  But you must try to be kind.

As The Doctor says, "Laugh hard.  Run fast.  Be kind."

Because that's the example we were given.  The sermon at church today was about the woman at the well.  And here's a woman who has been ostracized and mistreated and avoided.  She is, for a Jew, the very definition of Other - she's the wrong people, and a woman, and she's had 5 husbands and now she's living with a man outside of marriage.  But this is the woman Jesus gets close to.  This is the woman that Jesus makes time for.  And this is, in fact, the woman that Jesus uses to save the whole village.

Mind you, I'm talking to myself here, too.  But, Christians?  It's time to embrace the Other.  If a drag queen walks into your church, you should welcome them with a hug.  Don't hang back and see how it plays out - be the one to go over there and embrace them.  You don't have to agree with them.  Just welcome them and then let them work out their own faith.

It's time to get uncomfortable.

Thoughts on Tithing

I tithe.  I haven't always been a consistent tither, so I totally understand the struggle, especially when you're up against it or living paycheck to paycheck.  But I have some thoughts, and here they are.

Why tithe?  It's not like God needs the money.  For me, it's more of an acknowledgement that God has all of the money and if he wants me to temporarily have more or less of it, that's up to Him.  It's good for me to give up that sense of control or entitlement or whatever, and acknowledge that He is God.  Lord knows I have a hard enough time not thinking of myself as the center of the universe - I can use the help.

How much?  Well, 10%.  And I tithe on the gross.  My thinking is don't be stingy with God unless you're expecting Him to be stingy with you.  Plus, again, I think I'm going to have as much money as He wills, so there's really no point in being stingy.  I suppose the same argument could be made in favor of giving away everything I have to the poor, but that's a discussion for another day.

Where?  This one is interesting, because I know a couple of people who give some or all of their tithe not to their church, but to missionaries or some other charity.  They can do what they want, but I don't like going down that road.  I don't think we should have any say in how our tithe is used.  For example, if you heard about someone who went to the pastor and said, "I tithe $100K per year, and I want part of that spent on new choir robes.", I think most of us would agree there's a problem there.  And take it a step further.  Can you not imagine someone giving their tithe to their political party or candidate, because surely God wants to stop those evil people on the other side?  Even something as simple as using part of my tithe to buy food for my small group - I can't do it.  People would be thanking ME for MY hospitality.  And it's not about me.  So, I say if you trust the leadership at your church, then blindly give the whole tithe to them.  And if you don't trust the leadership at your church, then ... you might want to find a new church.

Always?  That's a tricky one for me.  When I'm unemployed, I don't tithe.  I suppose you could argue that God is providing via the state, but if I get to the point where I have to ask my mother for help, it doesn't seem right to ask her for more than I need.  So that's me.

Are there exceptions?  Of course.  Probably.  I'll admit there have been times when I was working a part time job and I told God that I would tithe as soon as I was really working again.  But that is a sticky one, because maybe God is wanting to see how you'll act when the going gets tough.  And you need to be careful when you start making exceptions, 'cuz one can more easily lead to another.  But God deals with each person differently.  I've heard a pastor suggest to someone that they start with 5% and work their way up, giving God time to show them that He will provide.  So you do your thang - as long as you do it honestly and pray about it and consult with people.

Anyway, that's me and tithing.  Maybe this will help someone else think through their position and start to tithe.  Because it's good for the soul - it really is.

The Littlest Thing

I am a big believer that the some of the littlest things we do have the greatest impact.

For example, a woman at church today made my day.  Pretty much by just being herself.  She smiled.  She spoke to me.  She gave me a compliment.  She chose to sit next to me.  And during the funny parts of the sermon, she leaned into/nudged me.  And it's not like there's a romantic interest there (she's got a boyfriend).  She was just being her warm, friendly self.

But it made my day so much better than it was.  Not that I was in a bad mood, but it filled up my quality-time tank a bit.  Just enough that when I got back to my apartment and saw the annoying family with the annoying kid, instead of averting my gaze, I nodded at them.  And the dad waved back.  And that was better than dwelling in my normal animosity.

I've been working on being more friendly, too.  For example, I was reading an article about being friendly, and it suggested complimenting people.  Which, in the past, has not really occurred to me as something people ... do.  So I've been trying to do that.  I like your green dress.  I dig your Harry Potter shirt.  Your eyes are really pretty today.  And the thing I've noticed is that while they may appreciate the compliment, it does much more for me.  I'm spending time thinking about them and trying to notice something that I can then appreciate.  Which is good for me, because it gets me out of my head and thinking about others.  Which, if you know me, is not my ... first impulse.

I'm telling you, you don't even know the ripple effect you can have by smiling at someone or engaging them in conversation and looking them in the eye.  I honestly believe that the littlest thing can, stupidly enough, change lives.

Something Suddenly Came Up

Something I learned watching the Brady Bunch back in the day - it's rude to break off plans without giving a real reason.

Marcia is excited to go to the dance with Doug, BMOC (Big Man On Campus).  But when she gets hit in the nose with a football ("Mom always said, don't play ball in the house!"), Doug begs off, telling Marcia, "Something suddenly came up."

It's portrayed as the cool kid thinking he can do whatever he wants, even being rude by not giving a real reason for breaking the date.  And I agree that it's rude.  Have you ever had someone break off their plans with you without giving a reason?  "Sorry, our plans changed."  That's not an explanation!

In my book, if you make plans with someone, you follow through.  There are exceptions, of course.  If someone is in the hospital, it is acceptable to break your plans - an emergency is a valid reason to cancel.  I also think it's OK to change your plans if a MUCH better offer comes along.  Not just any offer, but something you can't do at any other time.  If you had dinner plans with a friend, and another friend comes up with tickets to see your favorite band, that's understandable.  But even then, I would call the person I had plans with, and ask if I could be excused or if we could reschedule, and I would explain about the event that came up.  Because, the way I was raised, you don't just change your plans willy-nilly, and you try to treat people with respect.

To break plans with someone, and not tell them why, is rude.  Look, I'm understanding.  I have, on occasion, had better things come up.  But I touch base with the person I'm cancelling on and make sure it's cool.  Because that's what proper, civilized people do.

In defense of using the word 'Girl'

Like many guys, I often use the word 'girl', instead of 'woman'.  As in, 'I saw a cute girl' or 'Damn that girl is cute!' or 'Damn, girl!' (OK, I don't use that last one, because, due to an abnormality with my thumbs, I am unable to snap my fingers.)

I know there are some women who take offense at this.  As I understand it, the complaint is that using the term 'girl' infantilizes women.  As in a boss telling a woman that she's not as good at business because she's 'just a girl'.

But that comment could just as easily be 'just a woman'.  The problem is the tone or idea behind it.  Right?  And I don't think of women as inferior, so that's not a sentence I would ever say.  Frankly, it's hard for me to imagine anyone saying that these days, but maybe I just don't know those people.  Or because I don't work in an advertising firm in the 1960's.

But, the next question is, do I mean something different when I say woman or girl?  Yes, I do.  Here's how I kinda categorize it.  If I'm talking in general or in a professional way, I will tend to use 'woman'.  If I'm talking in a more casual way, it will often be 'girl'.  But there is more to it.  Because while I don't think I'm infantilizing women, there is a qualitative difference.  And I think it's that 'girl' implies youthfulness.  Not necessarily childish, but youthful and playful.  There are cute girls and attractive women.  Girls are still girlish, in the same way that guys are still boyish (although that can play out differently for each gender).  So, in that sense, if a woman is in her 50's and I call her a girl, it's very much a compliment, because I'm seeing her as still youthful and vital.  And not that leaving girlishness behind and becoming more mature is a bad thing, either - both are good.  But everyone, man or woman, grows more mature over time (one hopes).  Still, I actually have great respect for people who know when not to act their age.  Possibly because they're coming down to my level.

So how come we say 'guys' for men and 'girls' for women?  Probably because it used to be guys and dolls, but 'doll' feels outdated (not to mention quite a bit more sexist than 'girl').  And because the English language is weird that way.  We also drive on parkways and park on driveways, but only Steven Wright is upset about that.

I suppose some other arguments could be made.  Like how using it is perpetuating the male-dominated patriarchy.  Or how it's about calling women what they want to be called, or how if some people find it offensive, then everyone should just change.  But the question is, do I really care, if people are just looking to be offended?  Because, if you know me, I think you know I'm a good guy and I'm not infantilizing women.  If anything, I generally think men are more likely to act in a childish manner. 

So, I'll try not to use the word 'girl' in professional situations.  How's about you give me a little grace and benefit of the doubt and see that I'm actually being complimentary and descriptive in what, to me, is a positive way?  As in, 'Damn, girl!  You are looking fine!'  Nope, still can't pull that off.

The Wheels on the Bus ...

When I was around 25, I had no car.  I'd been in a car accident and I'd let my insurance expire, so my year-old-but-now-totaled car was not going to be replaced.  I was working at a retail job, with no real hope of even saving up for a new car.  So I was in a good place.

I lived in Altadena and it would take me about 45 minutes to walk to work in Pasadena, so that was doable.  But on Wednesdays, I had to see my therapist in Glendale, so I had to take the bus.  My bus stop was the first one of that particular bus's line.  And when it got there, I would get on with maybe one or two other people.  And as the bus progressed, people would get on and off and the bus would slowly fill up.  And I noticed something interesting.  Every seat would fill up, and there would even be people standing in the aisles, before anyone would sit next to me.  Every week.  People would stand in the aisle, swinging around  with one hand on the railing and the other holding their 16 bags of groceries, rather than sit next to me.  Good thing I was going to therapy, right?

Once I noticed it there, I noticed it other places.  This phenomenon has followed me.  Not every single time, but a lot.  Classes?  Empty seats on either side of me.  Church?  My row is the last to fill up.  At my small group the other night, there was a ring of chairs, and every one of them was taken except - you guessed it - the one on either side of me.  And not only that, but one of the ones next to me was clearly a comfy chair as compared to the other available hard-backed chairs.  When this was pointed out to a woman who had just taken a seat, she did then move to the comfy chair next to me.  But she had to think about it.

I had this one friend at church, and when he would sit next to me, he would sit one seat over. I kid you not.  The whole church would fill up, the ushers would be asking people to scoot, and he'd still leave a chair between us.  So I told him the story of the bus, and he agreed it was odd.  Next week, my friend shows up and ...one seat over.  I asked him - 'Remember the story I told you about the bus?  About people not sitting next to me?'  'Yeah, what about it?'

So, what is it?  I bathe.  I know I have an acerbic personality, but it often happens before I've even said a word.  Maybe people just feel more more comfortable sitting next to Bill or Clive or the smelly, homeless man.  I dunno.

You might think this is perception bias.  Maybe I just notice WHEN it happens.  I don't think so.  You're not paranoid if people really are out to get you.  Mind you, I'm not saying people are out to get me ... they clearly don't want to be anywhere near me.