I think I'm pretty self-aware. I think that, compared to most people, I'm pretty in touch with how I tick and what's made me the way I am. I am sometimes surprised by new revelations, but I enjoy digging in and figuring myself out.
And all of that is good. The unexamined life is not worth living, and all that. But I'm not very other aware.
Sure, I like to figure out what makes other people tick. I'm good at spotting patterns that I've seen elsewhere and applying them to new people. I'm a student of human behavior. But I approach it with a scientist's brain.
I was recently called prickly. It didn't bother me. Much. But it got me thinking. What does that look like? So, in conversation with a new friend, I asked, "Am I prickly?" Her immediate response was, "Yes." She went on to say that I'm funny, and I know I'm funny, and I throw in a lot of geeky or pop culture references. And that people can find me abrasive or be put off by me.
Which is curious to me. Isn't funny a good thing? Don't people gravitate towards funny people? Why is that prickly? But she explained that people don't always get that I'm joking.
Now, my usual response to something like that is that the people not laughing are either boring or not very smart or overly sensitive. But maybe they're not. Maybe I just don't get them. Me. Not getting them. I know, it seems crazy to even consider, but maybe there are people whose thoughts and feelings I have not completely figured out who nonetheless have valid opinions about me. Hmmm.
Of course, it goes deeper than that. Even close friends often seem alien to me. They'll tell me their hopes or motivations or fears, and my response will range from confusion to laughter. How can anyone think or feel so completely differently from me? Don't get me wrong - I'm often fascinated by the differences and love trying to puzzle them out. But, if I'm honest, at the end of the day, I have a hunch that my brain is wired correctly and their is not. I mean, other than the things that are wrong with me, but I know what most of those are. And besides the addictions and compulsions and fears, surely my brain and personality is the right one. Right?
I do tend to treat other people like a puzzle to figure out, more than a living, breathing person to just love and understand. I have to remind myself to ask friends about things that are important to them: How's your dad doing after his surgery? What ever happened with that problem at work? I realize this makes me an ass, but I kinda don't care. I care about the way you think and your motivations, but not so much about life events. I really struggle with ... how should I put this? It's like I know that other people are real and have their own lives and thoughts and emotions, but it doesn't feel real. I sometimes fee like my life is a play, but I'm the only real person.
That's pretty shitty, actually. I dunno - maybe we're all like this, to some degree. We are all stuck in our own heads, unable to peer inside each other. I actually have a story developing in my head about a society where people can, only by choice, choose to experience each other. Like an emotional mind meld. And in my story, it's a much more peaceful society, because everyone is much more aware that other people are real and therefore feel worse when they do something that hurts another.
So that's me. I'm aware of myself, but not very aware of others. You're all like shadows to me. Except those with high empathy. They break through - they feel things more strongly, and in return I feel them feeling things. Mmmm .... feelings. I am an emotional leech, after all. I love strong feelings. And maybe there is something broken in me, that doesn't sense other people's feelings as much as I ought to.
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