Freaking over Geeking

I consider myself a geek.  I'm into science fiction and board games.  And I like a lot of the things that geeky people are into, at least to some degree.  But I don't go overboard with it.  I don't dress up in costume and run around with a foam sword or collect every possible piece of merchandise for Doctor Who (Tardis mugs!  Dalek salt and pepper shakers!  OK, I have Doctor Who throw pillows, but they were a present.).  I have about a hundred board games, but I pretty much only keep the ones that actually get played, even if rarely.  I don't have display cases for my collectibles.

Not that I mind if people are really into something.  Have fun!  Except ... I do mind.  And it's not that it's a waste of time (although sometimes I think it is) or that their thing is uncool.  It's ... something else.  And I can't quite put my finger on it.

Have you had someone corner you and start talking endlessly about something they're really into?  Like, they'll hear that you watched an episode of some new show, and they'll launch into a monologue that lasts for ten minutes about the nerdy details that you have no interest in knowing.  And they won't pick up on the non-verbal cues that you would like very much to extricate yourself from that conversation.  Those people freak me out.

Or, like today.  There's a place here in Burbank called Geeky Teas that I just discovered.  They've got all kinds of games and geeky artwork and a life-size Dalek.  Very fun.  And you can go there and play games for $5, plus they have events like tabletop tournaments and Doctor Who screening nights.  And the lady who runs the shop is really friendly and cool.  And I was looking at the shop and the schedule and thinking what a cool place it is and how it's too bad that I'll never go there.

Because they're weird!  I mean, not really.  Everyone is nice and friendly and likes to play games.  What's not to like?  But if I went there ... just showed up and looked for folks to hang out or play games with ...

I'd be one of them.

And I don't want to be one of them.

Why?  I don't know.  I mean, a guy showed up while I was making my purchase.  He seemed to have showed up alone and hadn't been there before and just thought he'd try his luck and try to find people to play games with.  And he didn't seem overly geeky - just a normal guy.  So, of course I left.

(Mind you, I had just stopped in to grab the game I special ordered, and I had a friend with me who I needed to take home, so it's not like I could have stayed.  But the point is that I wouldn't have.)

I dunno.  Seems like there's a whole world of friendly, geeky people that I might enjoy getting to know and who like board games like I do, and yet I just can't bring myself to go there.

Why is that?

No Text Messages from God

There's a certain 'letting go' that I find myself simply incapable of.

I have this idea that when I die, Jesus will embrace me.  And in that moment, I will be able to let go of all of the crap I hold on to.  Let my guard down.  Be completely vulnerable.  And, in doing so, be completely whole.

But I can't do it here and now.  I mean, I can do it a tiny bit, sometimes.  I was talking to a friend the other day about how I make it a point to pray every night.  I think this is a good habit, and I've been consistent for over a year now.  Not that I don't pray other times, but if nothing else, I pray when I get into bed, and confess my sins, and talk to God for a minute.  But it can be rather rote.  There are many nights when I have nothing new to say, nothing much going on either in the events of the day or the thoughts in my head.  So, I'll still pray, but it's like a form letter.  It is what it is.  But then there are other times when I don't want to pray.  When I'm feeling pig-headed and far away from God and I don't want to draw near.  These can also be rote.  I think it's better than nothing.  But I know there's a better thing.  To let my guard down.  To unclench.  To let go of my crap and let Him in.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. 

My love language is quality time.  And what I crave more than anything else is to have someone in my life who just enjoys spending time with me so much that we do it all the time.  I was thinking about that last night, and the thought, annoyingly, came to mind that God is there all of the time.  God always wants to spend time with me.

Yeah, but ... it's not the same thing.  It's not quantifiable.  I can't feel it.  I can't see the results of it.  There's no text message on my phone asking what my plans are for the weekend.

Maybe other people do sense that.  I have a friend who says he sometimes imagines himself cuddling up to God.  I've tried - doesn't really work for me.  And maybe that's just something that's beyond my reach in this life.  Sensing God's presence.  Not that I don't want it.  Not that I'm not open to it.  And maybe if I could let go more, I could feel it.  Maybe. 

But I suspect I will just have to wait until I die.