No Text Messages from God

There's a certain 'letting go' that I find myself simply incapable of.

I have this idea that when I die, Jesus will embrace me.  And in that moment, I will be able to let go of all of the crap I hold on to.  Let my guard down.  Be completely vulnerable.  And, in doing so, be completely whole.

But I can't do it here and now.  I mean, I can do it a tiny bit, sometimes.  I was talking to a friend the other day about how I make it a point to pray every night.  I think this is a good habit, and I've been consistent for over a year now.  Not that I don't pray other times, but if nothing else, I pray when I get into bed, and confess my sins, and talk to God for a minute.  But it can be rather rote.  There are many nights when I have nothing new to say, nothing much going on either in the events of the day or the thoughts in my head.  So, I'll still pray, but it's like a form letter.  It is what it is.  But then there are other times when I don't want to pray.  When I'm feeling pig-headed and far away from God and I don't want to draw near.  These can also be rote.  I think it's better than nothing.  But I know there's a better thing.  To let my guard down.  To unclench.  To let go of my crap and let Him in.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. 

My love language is quality time.  And what I crave more than anything else is to have someone in my life who just enjoys spending time with me so much that we do it all the time.  I was thinking about that last night, and the thought, annoyingly, came to mind that God is there all of the time.  God always wants to spend time with me.

Yeah, but ... it's not the same thing.  It's not quantifiable.  I can't feel it.  I can't see the results of it.  There's no text message on my phone asking what my plans are for the weekend.

Maybe other people do sense that.  I have a friend who says he sometimes imagines himself cuddling up to God.  I've tried - doesn't really work for me.  And maybe that's just something that's beyond my reach in this life.  Sensing God's presence.  Not that I don't want it.  Not that I'm not open to it.  And maybe if I could let go more, I could feel it.  Maybe. 

But I suspect I will just have to wait until I die.