The Eyes Have It

This is a follow-up to my last post.  I'd realized that with many people, I had developed the habit of not looking them in the eyes.  Since then, I've been reminding myself to do just that.  The results have been quite affirming.

It's been great to look service people in the eyes.  Like waitresses or bank tellers.  It may sound silly, but I feel a bit more connected to the world.  I think that, especially with women, there's been a self-esteem issue where I wouldn't want them to think I was being forward or thought they were attractive.  But so what if they do?  I'm not being pervy or accosting them!  I'm just looking them in the eyes.  And you know what I've found?  They look back.  And it's nice.  And they seem a little more human.  You can't do it with everyone.  And it's not like each one is going to be my new best friend.  But when they look up and say, 'Thanks for coming' and I look them in the eyes and respond with, 'Have a nice day', for that half-second we are part of a community.  And those moments accumulate and add up to something.

With acquaintances or friends that I'm not as close to, it's also been good.  The thing is, when we avert our eyes, we may be thinking about our own self-worth, but it sends a message to the other person that they're not worth your time.  There's a woman I run into from time to time who is much worse than me.  Her eyes are almost always on the floor and when I say hello she rarely even responds.  She talks to some people, but she usually doesn't even acknowledge that I'm in the room.  I've wondered why this woman has so much contempt for me that she practically deletes me from existence.  But at Thankgiving, after I spent a reasonable amount of time looking in the direction of her eyes when she was talking, twice she looked up and spoke directly to me.  Wow!  So nice to be acknowledged.  I mean, I know her habits likely spring from her own introversion and have nothing to do with me.  But it just feels good to have someone look at you and see you.

There are a couple of women at church that I've made more of an effort to look in the eyes.  And it's nothing romantic, but looking a beautiful woman in the eyes - damn!  Give me a minute of that each day and I think I could fly!

Even with closer friends, I'm making more of an effort to look not at their cheeks or forehead or somewhere in the vicinity of their head, but at their eyes.  My eyes to their eyes, connecting, feeling a little more intimate.

The past several years I've struggled with depression more during the holidays.  But I'm not depressed so far.  And I think it's because I'm connecting to people by looking  them in the eyes.  And the more I do it, the more my confidence is growing.  Plus I have the distinct impression that by doing this little thing, I'm spreading connection and warmth everywhere I go.