A Lie I Tell Myself No More

Something I've struggled with all my life is the issue of abandonment.  And there is a recurring scenario wherein people leave me.

It started with being given up for adoption.  First my birth-mother gave me away, then I was removed from my foster family after two months.  On a conscious level, I believe bio-mom made a reasonable decision.  And I was taken from the foster family to go to my permanent family.  But experts believe that babies internalize these events, and the evidence is the quiet baby.  I'm told that everyone would comment on what a quiet baby I was.  But they think babies in this scenario are quiet because they don't want to make waves.  On some level, they're thinking that if they just stay quiet, maybe they won't be sent away again.

Next there was my best friend in Junior High.  He dumped me.  We were the best of friends, always doing stuff together.  But one day, after hanging at his house just the day before, he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore.  No explanation.

This sent me reeling into depression.  And it wouldn't be the last time.  Some are more explicable than others. I had a close friend in high school who just stopped hanging out, but I know it was more about her issues.  But still, it contributed to the repeating pattern.

More recently, just in the past few years, I've had several very close friends just stop returning my calls.  They just phased me out of their lives.  Not mere acquaintances - people I'd had deep conversations with and laughed with and cried with - people I was confident that I would be friends with for the rest of my life.

So it's understandable if in my darkest moments, it seems like everyone abandons me.  That's the lie that I start to believe.  But you know what?  It's not true.  OK, yes, there is a sizable history there.  But it's not everyone.  I have a family that loves me.  We're not always that close, but we make it work.  I have a couple of friends, the best of friends, that I've had in my life for over 20 years.  And when I have a birthday or a game night, lots of people show up.

So that's a lie that I'm not going to buy into anymore.