Sunday night I couldn't sleep because my brain was spinning over work issues.
Monday, that continued and I got really depressed to the point that I was almost catatonic. I've never felt that way before, to that extent. Not crying, just kinda ... gone. And nothing was working. I prayed, went for a walk, wrote poetry ... don't know how I even managed those.
Tuesday was better. I went out and did an inspection and while I was driving I came up with a plan for dealing with the work situation. I emailed my bosses and they seemed cool. And that night I had a breakthrough while talking to God about how desperately I need him.
Wednesday - more of a normal day.
Thursday was actually lovely - Thanksgiving with friends.
Then Friday, I had invited folks over to play games, but nobody showed up. People said they were coming, but nobody did, and nobody called or emailed or texted. The depression returned. I wrote about it on Facebook and several of those friends apologized and explained some of the reasons they hadn't come.
Saturday, several of us played poker. And it was fun. And it's not like I was pretending to have a good time, but I compartmentalize. So it's like I set the situation aside while that was going on.
But now I have to deal with it. And I don't know how to deal with it. One friend has suggested a depression support group, and I'm considering that. Or maybe therapy, although I have issues with therapy because you're paying the person to care. And the real issue is that I don't have someone to talk to. I want to sit with someone, someone who gets me, who has time for me, who wants to make me a priority. Someone who is safe, who doesn't flake out on me. And I want to tell them things, like:
You know how my love language is quality time? Well, the opposite is also true. Several of my closest friends just told me by their actions that I'm not worth spending time with - not even worth a text to tell me they're not coming. I know they don't feel that way, but that's what their actions told me. Not to mention that my friends, who read my cry for help on Facebook on Monday, a few days later left me to sit alone waiting for someone to show up. That's pretty shitty. So now I feel like garbage. But I can't tell them, can I? I have to smile and say 'that's OK' and just move on.
What do I do with that? I'm not clinically depressed, I don't think. I mean, once in a while I have a day where I kind of fall apart and cry and think the world is falling apart, and then I'm fine again. Don't other people do that? I dunno - maybe they don't. And I do get more depressed around the holidays, because I don't have anyone specific to share it with, and I'm often scrounging around, trying to figure out who wants to do Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas morning. But again, lots of people deal with extra depression during the holidays.
Sidenote: I have a friend who, at Christmas time, always calls me 'the king of Christmas'. I'm not sure how this started, and I wish he would stop. I've found Christmas rather depressing ever since my first girlfriend ruined it for me - there's a whole story about a crappy tree that she got me to buy that wouldn't stand up and how it messed up my Christmas traditions and made me feel like a poor loser, but that's a story for another time. The problem is that the more my friend tries to project on to me that I'm some pro-Christmas spreader of cheer, the more it rings false.
Anyway. I would say that I'm prone to depression. But I work through it. I dunno. Maybe I do need professional help. Wish I had someone to talk it through with.
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