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I sometimes make decisions that may appear strange to others based on my own sense of self-preservation. For example, I know that 10 minutes in the service at my old church by myself will send me into a depressive spiral, where I'll be crying for hours. This may seem extreme to others, but some situations, like that one, have the effect of magnifying my feelings of loneliness to the point that I can't keep it in check any more. So unless I can guarantee that I won't be alone there, I won't go.
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There is something about a singer belting out a song in a true and emotional way that can make me both laugh and cry at the same time.
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Nothing makes me angrier than another driver behaving inappropriately. This morning, I stopped before an intersection because I could see that the traffic was backed up on the other side. The lane to my right was a turn-only lane. But while I was waiting, a car tried to slip in front of me from that lane. Here I was, doing the right thing - the legally correct thing - by not blocking the intersection, and this asshole decides to take advantage of it. I was so angry that I laid on my horn and raced forward to block him, then yelled, 'NO!' at him (once he could see me) though my window.
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Thanksgiving is a problem. I've got nowhere to go. I don't want to go to someone else's Thanksgiving, because I don't want to feel like a charity case (they might not feel that way, but I would). The folks I've done Thanksgiving with in the past have gotten married or moved away and they're just not available this year. I could go serve somewhere, but I think that in a group of strangers my loneliness spiral (see above) would kick in. I'm considering cobbling together other 'orphans'. But Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two times of the year when when you want to feel like you're with 'family',.. So, I don't know. I may just sit it out ... cry a little ... move on as best as I can.
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A few days ago, one of my Uber passengers asked for my information. I thought she might be interested in checking out my church. So it threw me when she called me and invited me to some financial seminar thing. I politely declined. I'm not sure what to think. Was she asking me out? She was cute, but it seems unlikely. While we did have a short conversation in the car, it didn't seem like there was any particular connection. Plus she's in her 20's - why would she be interested in an old, fat guy like me?. But then what the hell was that?
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I have an eating problem. I didn't used to. Which is to say that while I've never had particularly good eating habits, I didn't used to have compulsions associated with it. I find now that I do. It seems to be threefold. First, I like to eat until I feel full, sometimes a little over-full. There is probably some psychological issue there. But it's not like I eat more than I used to - it's just that my metabolism is slowing down so it takes more of a toll. Second, I snack a lot. I don't so much care if it's healthy or not - I'm perfectly happy picking away at a pomegranate - but carrots get old real fast. Again, I know there's some psychological issue that's feeding my oral fixation. The third one is the ugliest. When I diet, sometimes it's for a few months, sometimes it's for a day. But there comes a point when I want to sabotage it. I don't just go back to my old eating habits - it's like something in me wants to more than make up for lost time by eating as much unhealthy stuff as possible. Anyway, I've just started figuring this stuff out in the past year or so and it's frustrating to see that I've developed these unhealthy habits/issues.
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I now know why I don't like alcohol. I'm a supertaster, which means I can taste the bitterness in some foods that others can not. And all alcoholic drinks have elements in them (I forget what they're called) that are both bitter and sweet. But I don't taste the sweet - only the bitter - actually it's kind of a bitter/sour taste. It's funny - it had never occurred to me that other people found alcohol to be sweet. I just figured they tasted the same thing that I did but somehow liked it. But if they're tasting sweet, then no wonder everyone loves to drink so much.
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Do you ever wonder if God can hear you if you just pray inside your own head? Because how can God be in our heads? Isn't there some point of theology that says that He can't be near sin? But I have a problem with praying out loud when I'm alone. It feels even more like I'm just talking to myself.
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This has been Random Thoughts with Matt.
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