Lame is Good?

I was having a conversation the other day with a new friend - we're still getting to know each other.  And she asked me what my plans are for my life.

Ugh.

I explained that lack of drive is one of the biggest problems I have.  And I explained that I've had a variety of  careers, and that none of them has panned out.  And I explained that in this last unemployed period, I told God that I was trusting Him to take care of me, probably more sincerely than I ever have before.  And it looks like God has steered me into this new position with a church start-up.

All good, right?  Everything is in God's hands?  Except, it leaves me feeling lame.

'Let go and let God'.  'When we are weak, He is strong.'  Sounds nice, but the reality is that it leaves me feeling like a loser who can't accomplish anything on my own.  And you can tell me that it's good that I'm learning to trust God more, and I know that's true in my brain.  But it doesn't feel good.  It feels like I suck at life.

Then, yesterday, we were having our weekly Bible study at the pastor's house, which also works as a sounding board for the pastor, as we strategize on how to reach out to folks in Santa Monica.  And he asked  us to describe Westsiders - that bizarre, alien set that lives West of the 405 in L.A.  And it was an enlightening experience.  Every single quality that everyone listed was the exact opposite of who I am.  Westsiders are environment-loving, dog-owning hipsters who work in the arts or technology and who engage in moral relativism and project a carefully cultivated persona.  They are driven, they have money, they use social media, they have trouble committing to anything and they are resistant to marketing.  And on and on.

I quickly began asking myself what in the world I am doing at this church.  I believe in absolutes.  I don't care about wealth, as long as I can get by.  I strive to be open and honest and vulnerable with people.  My ever-present crocs make it clear that I have no interest in fashion.  How can I possibly relate to the people we're trying to reach out to?

...

But on the way home, it occurred to me that perhaps that's exactly why I'm there.  Because I'm the opposite.  Perhaps those very qualities are what will appeal to Westsiders, or at least make them take notice.

Specifically, I think I'm very real.  What you see is what you get - as opposed to a persona that I choose to project.  So maybe that's something to consider as I go forward.

Maybe I am lame.  But maybe God made me lame for a reason.

A Philosophical / Theological Quandary

I have an ethical dilemma I would like to pose.  I would love to get feedback on it.

On the one hand, you've got the Bible.  And it says that when your brother is sinning, you're supposed to go to him, in love, and see if you can't nudge him back in the right direction.  Some Christians take this as an excuse to get in everyone's business and tell them what they can and can't do.  I believe it's telling us that we have a responsibility to gently correct those with whom we are in community.  Not everyone, but those within your circle of influence and care.

Alright, good.  But then there's this.

In my experience, people don't change until they get to the place where they're ready to change.  No amount of persuasion or clever arguments is going to sway them.  And the best way to help them along is often to lead them into a safe place of community and trust, where they can then feel safe enough to consider making changes on their own.  Sometimes they'll bring up their stuff in their own time, and you can talk about it.  And sometimes you just know (or hope) that you've reached a point where it would be OK to bring it up.  But if they're not feeling safe, then bringing stuff up will just make them defensive and make them retreat.

So there's my dilemma.  On one hand, the Bible tells me to gently correct my brother.  On the other, my philosophy tells me that people simply don't change until they're ready.  Got it?  Now, two real-life examples.

My nephew is an extremely talented film-maker.  I went to the premier of his feature documentary last night, No Cameras Allowed.  1800 people sold out the Wiltern Theater.  And it is an amazing film, which tells the story of how he breaks into music festival after music festival, from Coachella to Bonnaroo to Ultra to Glastonbury, culminating with breaking 16 of his friends into the Austin City Limits festival.  And he's still doing it to this day.

What he's doing is clearly wrong.  And it's past the point of youthful exuberance - I think it's understandable, maybe even healthy, to test the boundaries when you're young.  But, to me, it's beyond that.  It's just plain stealing, done because it's fun.

He's my nephew.  He's family.  There was a time when I had a little bit of influence with him, but that's long past.  So, what can I do?  What should I do?

Example number two.  There's a guy in my community who lies a lot.  Everyone knows it.  Big, audacious lies and small, don't-realize-it-at-first lies.  It's kind of bizarre, because it seems like he's trying to impress us, not realizing that we honestly don't care about the stuff he's lying about.  And we don't call him on it, because we're convinced that if we do, he'll stop coming around.  He'd deny it.  And we'd rather he stick around, so he has a place of community.

I don't know if I would call him a friend.  He could be a friend, but it seems impossible to get to know him, because I just don't know if anything he says is true.  Conversations are awkward between us because I choose not to respond to the outrageous things he says.  I so wish he would just stop or own up to it, so we could make a real attempt at friendship.

So, what to do?  Keep providing a safe place of community where he'll hopefully, eventually, get to a place of change on his own?  Or call him out and risk pushing him away?

There you have it.  Let me know what you think.

A Funny Story

Wherein this skeptic allows that God may may have been at work in his life.  Maybe.

So, I was having dinner with my mother (actually dinner and show, but this isn't about the show - OK, it's Abbamemnon at the Falcon Theater and it's terrific - get your tickets before it's gone!) and she brought up an idea that some family members had cooked up.  I guess I'm a frequent subject, given my unemployed status.  My mother has some extra money coming in, and wanted to help me out, but she didn't think it would be healthy to just give me the money (I would tend to agree).  And my brother-in-law's cousin had a friend who was planning on starting a new church in Pasadena.  The idea was for my mother to donate money to the church each month, for 6 months, in exchange for them hiring me and paying me that same amount.  This would allow my mother to be charitable and get a tax write-off and help me, it would give the church plant some extra help, and it would provide a stop-gap for me while I continue to look for work.

My mother gave me the contact information.  I called and explained who I was, and gave my mother's name, my brother-in-law's name and the cousin's name.  And the guy called me back, confused, because he had no idea who any of those people were.  But he was intrigued by the suggestion, and we agreed to meet.

When we met, I told him about myself, and he told me about his church plant.  And I really liked him and his vision.  He's starting a church in Santa Monica, because that area is 95% unchurched people.  And all of his ideas about how to draw people in and his various philosophies about connecting with people in the modern age really struck a chord with me.  Two things to note.  First, he still had no idea who my mother or any of those other people were.  And his church was starting in Santa Monica, not Pasadena.

I called my mother, and she was also confused.  But then it dawned on her that she had given me the wrong contact information.  She wasn't sure how it had happened at the time.  She has since figured out that she had planned on giving the info to my nephew, who lives in Venice and is looking for a church.  But how bizarre is it that the wrong contact info was for a different church planter?

My mother gave me the correct contact information, and I contacted the right guy, and we met.  Let me say that he's a perfectly nice guy, but I didn't care for him or his vision at all.  The Santa Monica guy wants to reach the unchurched and is trying to draw people in through word-of-mouth, outreach projects and community events.  The Pasadena guy is going to send a mailer to every address in Pasadena.  The Santa Monica guy asked for my resume and references, and he called them.  The Pasadena guy didn't even ask.  Santa Monica was more of a discussion, while Pasadena was more of a monologue.

And after the Pasadena guy got done monologing, he asked me how excited I was by his vision.  I responded that I wanted to be honest with him, that I wasn't looking for a ministry opportunity, per se, but for a job.  That said, I might become excited along the way and I was especially interested in helping with the small groups he had talked about, as I've always had a heart for facilitating community.  At that, his face fell.  It was like he realized I wasn't drinking the Koolade.

So.  On one hand, the Pasadena gig would be much closer, and it seemed like there was somewhat better potential for the job to continue past the original 6 months that my mother was underwriting.  But the Santa Monica gig ... just felt right.

Well, I went home and thought and prayed and talked to some folks, and the answer just seemed obvious.  So, I called the Santa Monica guy and told him I was on board.  So, I'll be working for them part-time for a while, and we'll just see how it goes, but I'm excited and think it could be an interesting new chapter for me.

A few things.  First, I was feeling some jitters about the new position.  And at the same time, I've been quite frustrated the last couple of years, with my lack of having a close friend to just hang out with (several of my close friends have gotten married over the years, and it's left a gap, something I've prayed about quite a bit). What do these two things have to do with each other?  Well, just a few days ago, a friend from high school invited me to coffee.  I hadn't seen her in maybe 15 years.  But we clicked right away and had a terrific conversation for a couple of hours.  It so filled up my tank that I just about floated through the rest of the day and my jitters completely disappeared.  Now, she's busy with a husband and kids, so I don't expect her to become my new best friend that I hang out with every other day, but we are hanging out again next week.  And I think that her occasional presence may go a long way to alleviate my need for companionship.

Second, I've been praying in the past year that God would push me out of my comfort zone.  A scary prayer, to be sure, but I've become convinced that in our affluent American society, even someone like me who is unemployed and down on his luck, still has a roof over his head and food to eat - well, I think it's all to easy to become comfortable and complacent.  This new position is a nice blend of the comfortable (administrative work) and stepping out of my comfort zone (meeting new people and in a new arena).

Third, I've been praying during this time of unemployment that while I do my part to diligently look for work, that I would also trust God to provide for me.  And I've chosen to give that to Him and not to worry.  This new position helps my situation, but because it may only be for 6 months, it still leaves me in a position where  I'm going to need to trust God to take care of me.

And finally, as you may have noted just a couple of posts back, I've been frustrated by what I've perceived as God's lack of response when I pray.  And I think that God is oh-so-amused to pull all of these strings together at the same time that I'm bemoaning His lack of responding to me.

I am grateful to my God.  And I am inclined to agree with what so many have pointed out, that He has had a hand in orchestrating these recent events.

Inclined.  I think it's probable.  But you know, don't hold me to it.

Asking and Answering

Dating – it’s a minefield.  But I do think there are a couple of simple principles that can help spare people overly hurt feelings or wasted time.

First, guys should ask girls out directly, and not wimp out.  I know for many guys it’s scary.  But that’s part of being a guy.  Man up, and just ask her.  Because it’s better and healthier to get turned down and have that solid answer than to live weeks or months not knowing or living in regret.

By the same token, while it’s fine to engage in some group activities or otherwise try to worm your way into a relationship through being friends first, guys shouldn’t let that go on too long.  And no, it’s not that you’ll get stuck in the friend zone – it’s that same thing of just taking the plunge and doing it.

Second, girls should give a clear answer.  If they’re not interested, they should let the guy know that.  Telling the guy that she’s busy or not ready for a relationship right now or something like that may seem like it’s better for him – ‘sparing his feelings’, ‘letting him down easy’ – but I think it’s just easier for the girl.  She gets to go on her merry way thinking she’s nice, while he’s left in a limbo, either not knowing where he stands or thinking he has a shot when he doesn’t.  Honestly, I think it’s quite selfish and shows a lack of thinking things through.

Okay, a few things.  First, I’m using the words ‘guys’ and ‘girls’ instead of ‘men’ and ‘women’, and I mean no disrespect by it.  Those are just the words that flow for me, like when we say ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’.

Also, in this modern world, I do think it’s OK for girls to ask out guys, or at least make the first move in some way.  But the responsibility on the receiving end is the same – if somebody wants to know if you’re interested, you should give them a clear answer.

And let me throw this in.  I know some girls have a policy of going out with almost any guy that asks her out.  As someone who’s been on the receiving end of this policy, I can tell you that I don’t care for it.  If you don’t know if you’re interested, that’s one thing.  But if you know that you’re not (and you know that sometimes you just know), then I don’t think you should waste your time or his.

I'll leave you with this.  There was a girl I was interested in.  She was cute and smart and could carry on a conversation.  And I'd had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her during a vacation.  So, I called her up and asked her out.  Actually, I got nervous, rehearsed what I would say, thought about it, did some deep breathing, thought about it some more, then got around to calling her.  And she said yes!  Woohoo!  But two minutes after we hung up, she called back.  She explained that she did like me as a friend, but was not really interested in going on a date with me.  And in the moment, she was startled and said yes, but after having a minute to think about it, she decided it would be better to call me back and retract her answer.  Was it disappointing?  Yes.  But I have great respect for her.

Are You There God? It's Me, Matt.

I’m angry.  At God.  And it’s frustrating, because … well, let me start over.

I don’t have much going on right now.  I’m unemployed.  I don’t have a girlfriend.  I don’t have a close friend to hang out with frequently.  I’ve had any number of creative endeavors that have gone nowhere.  And I’m typing this on a computer that occasionally deletes a whole sentence or two because the key sticks.

Yes, I know: I have a roof over my head and food to eat and family and friends and blah blah blah.  And I don’t have a terminal illness and I haven’t lost my wife or child in a car accident and I don’t live in a country where people are persecuted.  I know.  I am grateful for those things.  Really. 

But, still … this is my life, and things are not going well and I’m angry.  And probably scared, too.  It came to a head earlier today and I let out some steam by screaming out loud a few times.  And then I stewed about it for the rest of the day.  And then I tried talking to God about it.  And boy was that unsatisfying. 

God doesn’t talk to me.  Before you throw out the standard clichés, let me just suggest that you shut up.  I’ve heard them.  ‘You just need to learn how to listen.’  ‘God talks to different people in different ways.’  And the one I tell myself, that God stays silent with me because He wants to see what I’ll do with very little overt guidance – will I be obedient just because I know it’s right and pleasing?

But the way I’m wired is that I need to process things with other people.  It’s why I don’t normally read the Bible on my own.  I’ll read books and blogs that will include scripture, so I’m still getting some Bible.  But mostly I rely on the discussions in my small group, where we pull it apart and examine it and question everything together.

Or when I have an emotional problem.  Most issues I deal with on my own just fine.  But I know that sometimes my brain doesn’t fully process stuff until I discuss it with someone and they reflect it back to me.

This is how I work.  It is the way God made me.  And that’s why it’s especially frustrating to talk to God and get no response.  I talk to God just about every day, if not during the day, then at least as I’m going to bed.  I have little conversations, telling Him about what I’ve been thinking about and asking for His help with different behaviors and musing on some new time travel theory.  (At this point, I will be rewriting the remainder of this because my computer freaked out and closed everything and autosave only saved up to this point and my computer is a piece of shit and now I’m having trouble focusing because I’m angry and it’s not like I can remember everything that I already said.  Fuck!)  And I’ll let my mind wander, to see what might pop in there.  I think my prayer life is the healthiest now that it’s ever been.  But not satisfying.

I want God to show up in some emotionally satisfying way.  I want some kind of response.  I want to not feel like I’m just talking to myself.  And I know, poor me.  But really – I can’t figure out how to deal with this in a healthy way that allows me to understand or accept or get around God’s silence.

And that’s all I’m going to say.  There was more before, but now you don’t get to read it because my computer sucks.

The Wages of Sin is Death

Here's my minipiphany (mini epiphany) for the day.  Maybe this seems obvious, but I'd never quite thought of it in exactly this way.

My men's group has been discussing different atonement theories.  The basic question is how does Christ dying and rising from the dead accomplish us being forgiven of sins and being reunited to God?

What popped into my head was a way of looking at it that I had not considered.  Because, for some reason, I had not taken the verse that says 'The wages of sin is death' literally.  I mean, I've sinned plenty, and I'm still alive.  God told Adam and Eve that if they ate the forbidden fruit, then they would surely die, but they didn't die.  They lived a good long time after that.  So, I don't know how seriously I've taken that sin = death.

I've heard at church that we die a spiritual death.  I've heard that Jesus takes the consequences of our sins on himself on the cross.  But what if it is meant to be taken literally?  What if choosing sin begins the process by which our bodies begin to die?  And not that it's immediate - it takes time to die of natural causes - but it's inevitable.  And what if that is the end?

As a Christian, I've always assumed that I'm going to live forever, either in this life or the next.  It's why death doesn't really frighten me.  I've never thought much about the idea of absolutely ceasing to exist in any way.  But some Old Testament writers did think just that - they talk of going down into the dust and existing no more, as if there is no afterlife.

So, what if sinning means that you deteriorate until you die, and cease to exist?  Period.  It would be pretty hard to hang out with God for eternity if you no longer existed.  And what if the atonement, with Christ rising from the dead, allows us also to be reborn, resurrected from the dead?  Brought back from the brink of nonexistence?  Made to live again, so that we can hang out with God forever.

John 5:24-29

Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.  Very truly I tell you, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live.  For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself.  And he has given him authority to judge because he is the Son of Man.  Do not be amazed at this, for a time is coming when all who are in their graves will hear his voice and come out - those who have done what is good will rise to live, and those who have done what is evil will rise to be condemned.

My Subjective Evidence for God

I believe in God.  Specifically, the Christian God, Jesus the Son, all that stuff.

I have a lot of doubts about what the church teaches.  Many discussions in my men's group get derailed (in the best possible ways) by discussions on whether the Bible is inerrant or not, whether Jesus was 100% human or 100% deity or somehow both, whether some people go to hell or if God will somehow save absolutely everyone, and many other issues.  But is God real?  Well, yeah.  I simply can not get away from that absolute truth.

There are some ways to logically prove the existence of God.  Not beyond a doubt, not actual proof, but then you can't prove gravity either.  But I have my own logical proofs that make sense to me.  Perhaps I'll blog that another time.  But another way of approaching it is subjective.

I can't help it.  I can't help but believe in God.  For me, it is innate. 

You know, I've spent the last few days depressed and angry.  Understandable, I think.  I'm unemployed, have no romantic prospects, and I spend far too much time alone in my apartment.  So ... depressed and angry.  And looking at way too much porn.  What can I tell you?  I'm here, it's here, I'm bored and depressed - it's a recipe for wanting to escape or to bury the negative feelings.

And then, this evening, sick of the rut I was in, I turned to God, as I always eventually do, and confessed.  Not just the porn, but the lack of faith that leads to the anger.  Because here's my thought process, as I unpacked it with God tonight.  Deep down, no matter how I try to pull away, I still believe that God is in control and that He has me where He wants me to be.  Not the depression or the lack of exercise or the other negative responses I've come up with, but this place in my life.  And, actually, in January and February, I was doing pretty well - I was keeping my thoughts positive and praying that God would work on my faith (never a good idea ...) and help me to just trust in Him.  And tonight I was telling God that I think I've actually done pretty well, faith-wise, in this current season, considering that I pretty much suck at the Christian life to begin with.  We both had a nice chuckle at that point.

And, look: I have a roof over my head and food to eat and good friends and thanks to winning my appeal for unemployment benefits and help from my mother, I've got money to keep going for a while.   I just don't like it.  I know that God has put me here, and I don't like it.  And it's hard to keep my spirits up and my faith constant.

But when I'm angry with God, who do I tell?  God.  When I'm pissed off at God and retreat into myself, who am I hiding from?  God.  To me, God is like the cameras in a reality show - you can try to pretend they're not there, you can tell yourself that your behavior is not affected by them - but reality always breaks back in.

I suspect that some atheists are the same way.  There's a huge wall they've built up in their heads, blocking out God.  And they don't dare look behind that wall for fear that reality will come crashing in. 

And let me be quite clear.  I think most people who know me will agree that I'm a pretty logical guy, and a skeptic.  Yes, I have deep emotions, too.  But I'm more on guard than most against getting carried away by my emotions.  So when I say that I just can't help but believe, I don't think it's emotional.  For many/most Christians it is (and good luck to them - I don't know how they can live like that), but God has wired me differently.  I don't ever really feel that God is speaking to me directly.  I haven't had a 'God experience' that I can point to.  I don't believe I've been slain in the Spirit.  I sometimes sense that maybe God feels a particular way or drops a particular thought into my head to steer me along - but I'm never certain and always allow room for it just being my own brain.  See, with me, I think God has made it clear (through my experiences) that He gave me a solid, logical brain, and that He wants to see (and is excited to see) what I do with it - watching me as I work out my faith with less direct intervention than He gives to others.

And my subjective but logical conclusion is that there is a God.