On the one hand, you've got the Bible. And it says that when your brother is sinning, you're supposed to go to him, in love, and see if you can't nudge him back in the right direction. Some Christians take this as an excuse to get in everyone's business and tell them what they can and can't do. I believe it's telling us that we have a responsibility to gently correct those with whom we are in community. Not everyone, but those within your circle of influence and care.
Alright, good. But then there's this.
In my experience, people don't change until they get to the place where they're ready to change. No amount of persuasion or clever arguments is going to sway them. And the best way to help them along is often to lead them into a safe place of community and trust, where they can then feel safe enough to consider making changes on their own. Sometimes they'll bring up their stuff in their own time, and you can talk about it. And sometimes you just know (or hope) that you've reached a point where it would be OK to bring it up. But if they're not feeling safe, then bringing stuff up will just make them defensive and make them retreat.
So there's my dilemma. On one hand, the Bible tells me to gently correct my brother. On the other, my philosophy tells me that people simply don't change until they're ready. Got it? Now, two real-life examples.
My nephew is an extremely talented film-maker. I went to the premier of his feature documentary last night, No Cameras Allowed. 1800 people sold out the Wiltern Theater. And it is an amazing film, which tells the story of how he breaks into music festival after music festival, from Coachella to Bonnaroo to Ultra to Glastonbury, culminating with breaking 16 of his friends into the Austin City Limits festival. And he's still doing it to this day.
What he's doing is clearly wrong. And it's past the point of youthful exuberance - I think it's understandable, maybe even healthy, to test the boundaries when you're young. But, to me, it's beyond that. It's just plain stealing, done because it's fun.
He's my nephew. He's family. There was a time when I had a little bit of influence with him, but that's long past. So, what can I do? What should I do?
Example number two. There's a guy in my community who lies a lot. Everyone knows it. Big, audacious lies and small, don't-realize-it-at-first lies. It's kind of bizarre, because it seems like he's trying to impress us, not realizing that we honestly don't care about the stuff he's lying about. And we don't call him on it, because we're convinced that if we do, he'll stop coming around. He'd deny it. And we'd rather he stick around, so he has a place of community.
I don't know if I would call him a friend. He could be a friend, but it seems impossible to get to know him, because I just don't know if anything he says is true. Conversations are awkward between us because I choose not to respond to the outrageous things he says. I so wish he would just stop or own up to it, so we could make a real attempt at friendship.
So, what to do? Keep providing a safe place of community where he'll hopefully, eventually, get to a place of change on his own? Or call him out and risk pushing him away?
There you have it. Let me know what you think.
here's my two cents, although I think you already know part of it -
ReplyDelete1) with a family member, unless you're a parent, I think my role is to give unconditional love and a safe place to be, without necessarily saying anything corrective - especially if I sense that what you say may not have much influence. Family members always remember what you say to them, and over the years they may mature into respecting you later on, but if you don't think you have the voice in their life that they would want to listen to, or that their conscience is bothering them, then chiming in could just cause a divide.
2) when someone is lying and manipulating people in the community, he or she should lose the right to the community, because they have become abusive of the trust and love that the community holds dear. calling out a person on lying will piss them off and may cause them to leave, but many times, this kind of person only changes when directly confronted. to continue to enable a person to lie to you without calling them out on it (or simply avoiding him) is harmful for everyone involved. Lying, even about stupid little things, is bad for him, and you're not helping him by letting him continue to feel part of the community while he does it.
Sorry - changed pronouns. I meant, "If I sense that what I say may not have much influence."
ReplyDeleteI also changed pronouns in the second half, but I think you can tell what I meant.
ReplyDelete