Thanksgiving ... Alone

I’m starting to wonder if there’s something seriously wrong with me.  I keep getting lonelier and more depressed, even as I reach out more.

Okay, here’s the basic problem.  I’m not sharing my life with anyone.  I don’t have a wife or girlfriend or best friend that I connect with on a meaningful level.  I’m not close to my family.  I have plenty of friends, some of whom I can have good conversations with, but it’s just not enough.  And God, as usual, seems far away.  That’s all adding up to making life feel kind of pointless.

What am I doing about this?  I have a men’s group that meets at my apartment every week.  I have a new church where I’m meeting lots of new people.  I’ve reached out and started to spend time with some new people one-on-one.  I’m spending more time with my mother.  I’ve thrown get-togethers at my place.  I’ve prayed.

But some of these things are depressing me more.  Two nights ago I had folks over for poker, and afterwards I cried because I didn’t feel like I’d connected with anyone.  Spending time with groups of people can be either fun or awkward, depending on the people, but afterwards I feel drained and more depressed.

Which brings me to Thanksgiving.  I had a couple of invitations, but I hate the idea of being tacked on to someone else’s family.  So after a lot of internal debate, I decided to stay home.  I knew that staying home alone on Thanksgiving would be depressing, as I am acutely aware that everyone else is gathered together and feeling the warmth of family and friends.  But I did the math, and I’m pretty sure that if I’d gone to someone else’s gathering, I would feel even more like someone on the outside looking in, and that afterwards I would end up curled into a ball, worse than if I had simply compartmentalized my sadness and toughed out the day on my own.

Last night a frightening thought occurred to me: what if this is it?  What if this is all I have to look forward to?  Because I am trying.  But either nobody shows up for my movie night, or people do show up, and then I feel worse afterwards.  And while I’m enjoying the new friendships I’ve struck up … I’m starting to wonder if I’ve lost the ability to connect in a meaningful way.

In Junior High, my best friend one day told me he didn’t want to be friends anymore.  Just dumped me for no reason that he would state or that I could figure out.  In High School, one of my closest friends stopped talking to me because she was ashamed of some decisions of her own.  And in the past few years, three of my closest friends have abandoned me, not even returning my calls or emails, with no explanation.

I think it’s broken me.  I think maybe, as open as I try to be, it’s left me unable to trust or truly feel the warmth of friendship.  I haven’t cried with someone in a very long time, because that’s an intimacy that I can’t trust anyone to live up to.

So I’m spiraling deeper into depression.  And I don’t know how to fix it.

I Don't Love Others More Than Myself

I don't think I've ever loved anyone more than I love myself.  Or even as much.

Not that I'm particularly thrilled with myself.  But I think you can't help but love yourself to some degree, in that you feed and clothe yourself and you treat yourself and tell yourself things that help you feel better about yourself.

But I think there is an experience which is both terribly human and also transcendent.  Which is learning to love someone else more than yourself.  I think it most often happens when you have kids, but also when you find a husband or wife (I'm sure it doesn't always happen, but it ought to).  For some, it's God.  For some it might be cats or something else, but that's a discussion for another time.

Something happens, over a short time or a long time, where a person's focus shifts off of themselves and someone else becomes more important.  My friend John will go home at the end of a long, tiring day.  And he will do the dishes.  Why?  Because while he doesn't like doing dishes, he knows that's how his wife will feel loved.  That's just a small example, but it happens over and over, day after day.  We all know there are much larger examples of parents who will go without food so their kids can eat and stuff like that.

And I think that's part of what sands the rough edges off of people.  They lose a lot of their pride and humble themselves by choosing to put someone else first.

I don't do that.  I mean, I do it here and there.  But there's nobody that I love enough to set aside my own wants and needs on a regular basis.  Which is a shame.  I think that's a big part of why I still have so many rough edges - I may be getting even rougher as I get older and spend days at a time with only myself.  Plus, I honestly think that's an amazing transformation that is worth the pain and annoyance that it takes to get there.

But you generally can't make yourself care about someone or something any more than you do.  You either care or you don't.  And I don't.  Which is not to say that I don't care at all.  I mean, I care some.  Sometimes a lot.  But never to that level where your focus starts to shift, where you make room for another ego next to yours.

And, obviously, this has repercussions for my relationship with God.  I think the best way to learn to love God is to practice with other people.

Plus, I've always believed that life is about people and relationships.  And this truth is at the heart of relationships.  So without it, my life seems a little pointless.

My Meiers-Brigg temperament is INTJ.  My type is called the Engineer and we tend to like picking things apart and seeing how they work and trying different combinations of things.  For some reason, this inclination of mine has always been on people, rather than on something like science or engineering - something where I could use this talent to make a living ...  Anyway, I've spent a good chunk of my life, when I'm not daydreaming about time travel, analyzing people.  Trying to figure out what makes them tick.  Figuring out motivations and emotions and tendencies and temperaments.  And I think that's why, even though I'm an introvert, I've always had a decent number of friends.  I want to spend time with people and make sense of them.

But this does often leave me on the outside, processing, looking in.

I wish I had an epiphany to end this one with.  I wish I knew how to engage more, care more.  I wish I could  sand off these rough edges.  But it eludes me.

How To Be On-Time

How To Be On-Time

Okay, let's say you've got an appointment/meeting/date that starts at 11:00.  First, you don't want to get there right as it's starting, so figure 5 minutes before that.  Next, estimate how long it will take to get there.  20 minutes?  OK - but wait, you wanted to stop at home and change, right?  OK, so 10 minutes to your place, 5 minutes to run in and change, then 15 minutes to the meeting.  That's 10+5+15 plus 5 minutes early, so 35 minutes.  One more thing.  Throw in a buffer 5 minutes, in case of traffic or spilling something on your shirt.  So 40 minutes.

There you have it.  A couple of quick mental calculations, and you now know you should leave at 10:20 to get there by 11:00.

How Not To Be On-Time

You've got a meeting that starts at 11:00.  Glance at the clock at 11:05 and say, "Gee, I guess I should think about leaving pretty soon.

The Window Story

My boss sent me an email on a Wednesday night looping me in on a project we're going to be doing at my new church.  For those of you who don't know, I'm working for a new church plant in Santa Monica called Resonate.  And David's first sermon series is going to be on the Sermon on the Mount.

To go along with the series, David wants to get 10 artists to work with 10 windows.  The idea is that at the end of each message, one of the art pieces will be revealed.  And at the end of the series, we'll put together an installation at an art gallery.

So David wants me to find 10 windows.  Sound simple?  It's not.  A cursory glance around craigslist and ebay and other sites shows that it's not easy to come by used windows.  People don't replace their windows that often, and they have good resale value.  Even the few used windows there are on craigslist are going for $200 - $300.

The next morning I texted David asking him what kind of budget we were looking at.  While I waited for a response, I figured I'd browse around again, get a better idea of what's out there.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to think up ideas, like calling contractors to see what they do with old windows.  Maybe there's some window graveyard out there.

Craigslist.  Free Stuff.  Type in 'windows'.  There's an ad: 10 Free Windows to be used for art projects only.  Seriously?  And not just little ones, or ones with the glass busted out - they're all intact and good sized and there's some variety in the styles.  I call the guy and he explains that they shouldn't be used for building.  I explain that I'm looking for exactly this: 10 windows for art projects.

A hundred bucks to hire my friend and his truck and 2 hours later - all ten windows are ours.  Problem solved.

Bringing God Into the Conversation

Lately, I have found it much easier to bring up God in conversation.  Observe.

What did you do today?

 - I toured a homeless shelter.  The church I work for is looking for opportunities to serve the community and the Ocean Park Community Center provides the homeless with not just a meal, but all kinds of services, from shelter to job training to accountability to community.

How was your weekend?

 - Pretty cool.  The church I work for helped organize over 200 people to clean up the beach in Santa Monica.

What's new?

 - Oh, I had this cool thing happen.  At the church where I work, the pastor came up with this art project to coincide with his next sermon series that involves artists doing pieces with windows.  And he asked me to find 10 windows.  Which I thought was going to be either expensive or a lot of searching.  But I went on Craigslist and there was an ad for 10 free windows, to be used only for art projects, not for building.

Where do you work?

 -  I work for a new church in Santa Monica.

Have you notices the common thread?  To be fair, I'm not mentioning God at all, but mentioning that you work at a church is a really easy way to slip God into the conversation unobtrusively.  He's there, but you don't have to force Him into the conversation.

Which has made me realize something.  Like a lot of you, I've always felt embarrassed about bringing God into a conversation.  But I'm realizing that it's not the God part that I'm embarrassed about, it's the bringing-into-the-conversation part.  I simply don't like to force God into a conversation, when it doesn't come up naturally.  Now that it comes up organically, as part of what I do for work, it doesn't feel embarrassing at all.

Which reinforces something else that's often bothered me.  Too many times I've heard a pastor or other church worker talk about evangelism.  Which is fine.  But then they'll give an example of how they were sitting next to someone on a plane (or in a coffee shop, or while surfing, etc.), and the person asked what they do for a living, and it came out that they're a pastor.  Which led to them talking about God, which led to an opportunity to witness to the person.  And isn't it great how that came up organically?  And really, we all should be trying to have these organic conversations with people.

Ya know what?  Those people need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that they're living in an insulated bubble where it is much easier to talk about God if your job is at a church.  How about giving an example that doesn't involve your job?  How about helping folks figure out how to do it when they don't work at a church?  I'm just sayin'.

Introverts and Extroverts and the Art of Conversation

I’ve noticed something lately.  If you ask someone questions and take the time to listen, people will talk to you.  And talk.  And talk.  And never shut up.

See, I’ve been trying this new thing where I attempt to be friendly and get to know people.  I know – doesn’t sound like me at all.  Nevertheless, I’ve been smiling and introducing myself and asking questions.  And I have gotten to know a lot about quite a few people.  But I’m willing to bet they don’t know much about me.  Why?  Because they don’t ask.  I ask them about themselves and they talk and talk and talk.  If there is a momentary lull, they will rush to fill it with – you guessed it! – more talking about themselves and their opinions.

Luckily, some of them are entertaining to listen to or have interesting opinions.  But only some.

I think it has to do with the extrovert-oriented culture we’re living in.  Here’s something I’ve figured out about extroverts.  They like to engage in conversation.  It’s an activity for them.  And extroverts like to jump into activities and experience them to the fullest.  The priority is not to exchange information or find meaning or learn anything.  It’s just to do it!  Talk!  Converse!  Get in there and mix it up with words with other people!

The introvert, in case you’re interested, does not seek conversation as an activity.  They seek to learn, to understand, to have a point, even if the point is to be silly.  They want to engage with the other person, and the conversation is a means to that end.  They seek to connect.

Do I sound harsh?  Certainly, there are some extroverts who know how to hold their tongues.  If you are one of them – if you have learned that only the fool blathers on, then this doesn’t apply to you, does it?

And there are introverts who have adopted the extroverted way of conversing – going on and on.  Which is sad, because you’re so much more interesting if you take the time to think through some of what you want to say.

How about if we take the time to get to know each other, instead of just talking?  It reminds me of the animals in Narnia.  Once they started acting like animals, Aslan let them go back to being just animals.  And they lost their power of speech.  Hmm … maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Proverbs 18:2 – A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Introversion and Skydiving

I've just started reading "Quiet" by Susan Cain, a book that shines a light on introversion.  And I read something that gave my my minipiphany for the day:

"Introverts feel 'just right' with less stimulation, as when they sip wine with a close friend, solve a crossword puzzle, or read a book.  Extroverts enjoy the extra bang that comes from activities like meeting new people, skiing slippery slopes, and cranking up the stereo."

I've never thought about introversion in terms of stimulus before.  I usually think about it mostly in terms of social interactions.  But Susan talks about how introverts are drawn to the inner world of thought and feeling while extroverts are drawn to the external life of people and activities.  "Introverts focus on the meaning they make of the events swirling around them."  And her inclusion of skiing made me pause.

Actually, I skied a few times when I was younger and quite enjoyed the rush.  But when I went skydiving, I didn't feel the same way at all.  I went with my friend John about 12 years ago.  John is a total extrovert, able to engage anybody in conversation, and his skydiving experience was absolutely thrilling.  Mine was ... fascinating.

People think that when you jump out of the plane, you get a rush, like on a roller coaster.  But that's not true.  Because you're already moving at the same speed as the plane that you're on.  So when you jump, your trajectory changes, but not so much your velocity.  At least not enough to feel your stomach doing backflips. At least not for me.  Instead, I found myself in an odd situation.  I'm up in the sky.  Falling.  The wind rushing past me and blowing my hair back.  The earth way down below.  Huh.  Interesting.  Not scary.  No rush.  Just sitting up here in the sky.  Okay.  So this is skydiving.  It's kinda cool.  It's a nice view.  Cool.

I can see now that my introversion gave me a completely different experience than John.  When we got to the ground, he was whooping and hollering and patting me on the back, and I almost felt bad that I wasn't sharing the same feelings.

Which brings me to another John experience.  His son has seizures pretty frequently.  The first time I saw him have a seizure was at a park.  John quickly rushed over to hold his boy, so there wasn't really anything for me to do.  And afterwards, as John will laughingly tell you, my first comment was that it was fascinating.

With both the skydiving and the seizure, my brain instinctively chooses to stop and process the information.  To think about it and try to find meaning, rather than react in an outward fashion.  Which can leave me feeling detached and make me appear aloof to others.

Which is not a bad thing.  It's just how I work.

You can check out Susan Cain by reading her book, or by watching her Ted Talk.